Does the idea of being assertive at work make you squirm? It’s a common misconception that assertiveness is the same as conflict, but that is not true. Whilst making ourselves heard may feel uncomfortable, the discomfort can be overcome. If you’re feeling this way, it’s important to recognise that your opinion is valid, and to deny ourselves the opportunity of speaking is an injustice to ourselves and our personal growth. Read on for our tops tips in learning the art of assertiveness and negotiation.
It’s not unfriendly to be assertive
Assertiveness isn’t the same as aggression or passive aggression; indeed, the act of conveying a message is rarely improved by being hostile. There is a world of difference between antagonism and confidently speaking your opinion. So, how should we view assertiveness, exactly?
Assertiveness could be best described as standing up for yourself, or the rights of others, whilst remaining positive and calm.1 Importantly, assertiveness is not about upsetting others, or becoming upset yourself in the process. That sounds more inspiring, right?
Why does being assertive feel so uncomfortable?
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to this, but it could be suggested that discomfort arises from either misunderstanding what assertiveness is, or from the conditioned belief that it is not our place to state how we feel. This might have its roots in childhood if we were punished or ignored for defending ourselves at home or at school (the old proverb ‘Silence is golden’ springs to mind), or we may feel silenced now by the negative influence of an imperious individual. These situations are of course deeply uncomfortable, but confidence grows through challenging these innate beliefs.
What is important to remember is that, just because something feels uncomfortable, it does not automatically mean that it is wrong to pursue it. Try asking yourself: am I being fair in what I want to say? Is it factual? If the answer is yes, then it is perfectly acceptable to say it.
The path of least resistance may feel like the best choice in the moment, but it’s only through stepping out of the comfort zone that new skills can be developed.
Assertiveness and negotiation
If assertiveness is the act of calmly but confidently speaking our opinion and wishes, then negotiation can be seen as a discussion to reach an agreement. Notice the use of the word ‘agreement’ – simply put, we are seeking an outcome where all parties are happy. Again, this is not about putting anyone out or upsetting someone.
In his popular book, ‘The 7 habits of highly effective people’, author Stephen R. Covey refers to this as a win-win situation. Covey states: ‘Most people think in dichotomies: strong or weak, hardball or softball, win or lose. But that kind of thinking is fundamentally flawed … Win-win is based on the paradigm that there is plenty for everybody, that one person’s success is not achieved at the expense or exclusion of the success of others.”2 Again, this sounds more encouraging, right?
So, just how are we meant to say it?
According to the Mayo Clinic, learning to be assertive can help to lower stress, boost our self-esteem and improve our coping skills. The following tips have been suggested as ways of asserting ourselves confidently:
- Understand your default style: Before we challenge our own behaviour, it helps to assess our default styles of communicating. Do you say ‘yes’ more than you say ‘no’ – even if you really don’t have the time for extra work? Do you struggle to speak up when you wish to raise a point? Perhaps you find yourself making assumptions about people before really getting to know them. Whatever the baseline is, it can help to know what you’re working with.
- Avoid ‘you’ statements: Avoid sounding accusatory by resisting sentences that start with ‘you’. For example, it’s much more effective to say, “I don’t think that’s right” rather than, “You are wrong”.
- Learn to say ‘no’: You don’t need to provide a lengthy justification, just a polite and simple, “I don’t have time right now” or “I cannot make that meeting after work” is perfectly adequate.
- Be conscious of body language: over 70 per cent of how we communicate is non-verbal, so keep your body language relaxed and confident, maintain eye contact and avoid negative behaviours such as crossed arms and frowning.
- Keep the emotion out of it: Despite the temptation, you don’t need to reply on emotion or a raised voice to express an opinion. Your message will actually be stronger for keeping calm and professional. If you feel overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe and arrange a meeting when you are feeling more level-headed.
- Rehearse: Try rehearsing in advance what you want to say. This can give you confidence that you do have a valid point to make. Don’t worry about sticking to a script – the important part is to clarify in your own mind what message you are trying to convey. The words will come naturally once you know what you want to say.
- Practise: The first time we do anything new it can feel overwhelmingly uncomfortable. That’s normal – we’re trying out a new skill. Thankfully, it gets easier with practise and will soon feel second nature.
Are women deemed to be less successful at assertiveness and negotiation?
Leadership development firm, The Careerstone Group, suggests that women may hold themselves back by assuming that the workplace is a meritocracy – that hard work and merit alone will get them noticed – but that it is actually those who “speak up, negotiate, advocate and promote themselves” who get ahead.4
The Careerstone Group discusses how women may avoid the very behaviours that will advance their careers, and suggests that a fear of being assertive, negotiating, conflict, and an aversion to self-promotion may be damaging their progress at work.
Whilst it is far too simplistic to assume that all women feel and act this way, the conclusion that, “If you want to get ahead, people have to know who you are, the work you have done, your value to the company and what you are capable of doing”4 is true for anyone. Does this behaviour come more naturally to men? Possibly. However, it would not be down to any genetic superpower; it is merely that men have simply practised these behaviours more through decades of societal conditioning – that they were made to believe that it is how “men act”.
The good news, however, is that we are all capable of learning and practising. The very act of opening our eyes to the unconscious bias and systemic prejudices of the workplace is one of assertiveness in itself. Confidence isn’t the same as arrogance and rudeness, and effective communication is one of mutual respect.
If assertive speech and negotiation come as a challenge, commit to no longer silently accepting that your voice doesn’t need to be heard. Recognise that your opinion is valid, and that you have just as much right as anyone else to state your ideas and assessments.
For exclusive access to more stories like this, subscribe to our monthly newsletter
You may also be interested in:
Imposter syndrome: What’s stopping us?
A lack of balls does not equal a lack of ambition
Negotiation: A skill to be nurtured
References
- Assertiveness – An Introduction (n.d.) https://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html
- Covey, S. R. (1989). The 7 habits of highly effective people. Free Press.
- Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better (2020). https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644
- Four Fears That Keep Women Down: How to be More Assertive and Effective in the Workplace (n.d.) https://careerstonegroup.com/blog/52/Four-Fears-That-Keep-Women-Down-How-to-be-More-Assertive-and-Effective-in-the-Workplace